Prince Albert

I was working triage and it was the usual 'tards with their coughs, abdominal pain and toothaches. My shift was almost over when my favorite medic, who I refer to as my work husband, comes to me and says that I need to see the guy sitting in the wheelchair right away. I'm thinking if this is more bullshit we're getting divorced and I'm gonna take up with that new and cuter medic, Dusty.

My work husband wheels him into my triage room and shuts the door behind him. The dude starts to unzip, I'm like down cowboy, save it for the nurses in the back.

Me: "What's the problem?"
Prince Albert (sobbing hysterically and panting): "I have a ring stuck on my penis!"
Me: (on the phone to charge) "I need a bed."

I decide to triage him at bedside and off we go with this fool holding on to the family jewels and whimpering like a dog. Once in the bed, two or three male nurses pull down his pants and a collective gasp ensues. Really, not really.

His one-eyed trouser snake was very engorged and black as night with a very tight metal ring of sorts around the middle of it.

Old Doctor Crotchety comes in and gets to work with his usual dead-pan-I-don't-give a-shit-about-anything look on his face. The ring cutter wasn't working, lubing the thing up with KY wasn't working, nothing. It was pure seriousness going on in that cubicle when Mighty Charge comes in with some weird ass tool he keeps in the back of his SUV from his days in Pittsburgh as a welder. He fires the thing up, grabs the guys candle stick and slices the ring right in half.

Me:"What kind of ring was that, sir?"
Prince Albert: "My girlfriends toe ring."

Rumor is that the night shift measured it as a size 6. I'm just saying....