Dusting the Lady Bits

When I walk in late and see my assignment is Bush Gardens for the day, part of me is pissed off and part of me is relieved. Usually it's an easy shift task wise, but mentally it drains and by noon I'm hatin' on anybody with a vagina. I'm usually hating on the baby daddy's too just because they feed into the drama and make my life miserable by bothering me every 5 minutes for blankets, socks, ice. She's hungry and hasn't had lunch, can I bring her in some french fries? When is she going for her ultrasound? She's having pain again and needs more of that D medicine. You name it, it's the same thing over and over.

I explain why I need to straight cath when they're bleeding and the crying starts with their legs clamping shut tight. Color me unimpressed, the straight caths I use are pediatric size. I want to literally run when I see a 20 something female come in by BLS and she's acting the fool in front of the charge nurse desk. I know that beatch is gonna be mine in a minute. Yeah, and then 5 minutes later a bunch of her family shows up. Like, they couldn't just drive her in themselves? I guess that would defeat the whole purpose in their attention seeking game, right?

I have to say a lot of the work-ups are positive for early pregnancy with the resulting glee in their voices, "I can now apply for medicaid!"

I wish I understood this dog and pony show.

When tattoos go wrong and other nonsense

I should have know that I'd drawn the short stick in triage when the other nurse told me she took the 2 yr old screamer. I picked up the chart and it said "got bad tattoo last night and foot is hurting." Okay sister put it up here, let me look at it. I unwrapped it and Geezus, Mary and Joseph, her left foot was gigantic. She said that her friends boyfriend, who had just gotten out of prison, did the tattoo last night and now she couldn't walk. No shit. Her foot was as big as her head and red with a huge streak going up her leg. And, she was 2 weeks postpartum.

Not to be outdone, dude comes in and tells me he has a lump on his rectum that is killing him with pain. He claims that he had "accidentally" sat on his dogs bone, the biggest one that they sell on Fosters and Smith, and it got stuck somehow. When he tried to pull it out, it ripped part of his rectum with it. Come on dude, really?

A yuppy mother type brought her 15 yr-old in to be checked, mother states that the daughter told her she had gotten raped the day before. The mother states that she knows the girl was raped because she checks her all the time to make sure she is still a virgin. Yeah, that's the ticket, mommy. Your kid is a virgin and I'm Mother Theresa. I don't know about you, but I guess I was a bad mother because I never did this to my teen daughter when she was in high school.

I just love triage. Really, no really.

Hello Bad Girls

It's time for ACLS again and this video will help you study. That is if you can stop starring at Barry's very tight white pants.

Little Miss Snark

Okay, who heated up last nights fish in the microwave? Now the whole place smells like Bush Gardens is hosting a chlamydia clinic.

And while I'm at it, next time the sign on the bathroom door says OUT OF ORDER, don't go in there and see a man about a dog. Thanks to you, nobody can eat in the break room until they call the plumber, and that won't be until Monday.

And bitch please, quit wearing that nasty perfume to work. You really think that shit smells good to sick people, let alone your co-workers who have to put up with it?

Bleh: It's one of those days.

Spider Bites and Head Lice and Diarrhea, oh my!

You would think that Super Bowl Sunday after 1600 hours would be slow in the ED.

After a sort of slow day in triage and spending some time restocking stuff that hadn't been replaced since the Reagan administration, I wandered back to the main to hang out and goof off a bit, something that never happens in the suck-you-dry-and- write-you-up ED. Mid laugh, the charge tells me that the medic called and said that 6 adults from a group home had just checked in with n/v/d. I laughed, right, that's hysterical. I turned around and glanced at the tracker and yep, there were 6 new names up on the board each with a number next to them 1/6, 2/6 etc. Me and the other triage nurse get to work getting them triaged and back to the fast track area that has 10 beds in little cubes all next to each other. I actually felt bad for the fast track nurses for a minute.

The sixer done, I take a minute to run to the potty and when I return the medic tells me that he put 2 kids in my room with head lice. I peek in and sure 'nuff, there's 2 pre-teens sitting in there with long bushy hair, one of them in my chair. It wasn't that big of a deal, but when the mom pulled out a ziploc baggie with lice she'd captured I was like what the hell is wrong with people?

Topping off the day was Spider Bite boy. He couldn't even walk, his knee was so red and swollen. So were both his thighs. He proudly showed me all the "bites" like they were badges of honor. Yeah, dude, you're more than likely going to get a work note.

Finally, it's 1855 and in comes a guy in his mid 60's complaining of vomiting x 1 with weakness. I wheel him in and get a set of vitals which suck. His color isn't too great, either. He's there less than 30 seconds and comments that he'd feel better if his indigestion would just go away. Crap. Why didn't you say so? I call to the back for a bed and tell them I'm coming now. We get an EKG and he's having a STEMI.

Guess who didn't get home in time for Big Love?

Just a small sampling of my day:

Stupid #1: Per wife: He's had n/v for an hour. It won't stop. He always gets an IV and medicines for this. He has chronic UTI's since childhoold d/t some congenital thing.
Rachedy: That emesis looks like pure water, has he been drinking water?
Stupid #1: Yes, he has, his throat is dry!! He needs to be admitted, we don't have insurance and no money to buy antibiotics!
Rachedy: He's being discharged, there is no indication to be admitted.
Stupid #1: WHAT? We always get admitted. We're leaving this dump and going to the big house downtown where they always admit him and give him medications for his pain and nausea.
Rachedy: Bub-bye.

Stupid #2: I have mucus in my throat and I can't stop coughing, I'm wheezing. I had a UTI last month and an ear infection. When I cough I have chest pain.
Rachedy: I see, do you have asthma? Right now your lungs are clear.
Stupid #2: Yes! I'm sick, I don't want to be blown off, I know how this works, I'm a nursing student at the technical school.
Rachedy: Okay, but all your tests are negative. Your urine is clean. Your ears are clean, they are discharging you.
Stupid #2: I want to talk to the manager!
Rachedy: Okay, but I have to put you in the hall, I'm sorry. The manager will be with you shortly (when they get back from a meeting and lunch and afternoon break and then another meeting followed by the ice cream social that none of us have time to attend.

Watching the look on her face while pushing her into the hall while the code is rolling into her room: Priceless.

Meet the New Boss

It's been a few months since all the old doctors were fired, er, replaced by a new physicians group. Needless to say, I miss Dr. Crotchety. I miss Dr. DoNothing who only ordered Motrin and a Sierra Mist for every complaint except a head bleed or STEMI.

The new director, Dr. Silverfox, thinks he's the Sultan of the ER. His shenanigans even have the biggest ho's I work with complaining. He'll walk by you and reach out and touch your back or comment on your make-up or hair, make comments like, "Thanks for bringing me coffee this morning." Ugh, he's so disgusting.

One newly graduated doctor who is on staff has a bad habit of peeing in the staff toilet and not flushing. All the red bull he drinks makes for a huge pot of frothy yellow piss that stinks. I hate him because he does a full-court press work-up on everybody, bar none.

I prefer to spend my time in triage these days. At least I know what I'm dealing with out there.